When I was a little kid my mother used to take me to a comfort food chain restaurant called Bakers Square.  They were known for their delicious pies; in turn it was all I wanted to eat. At three years old I knew what I wanted every week and nothing else would suffice, one delicious piece of cherry pie. We would go the pie joint every week and a cute waitress with a ponytail and a tan would bring me my pie and smile at me.

            I remember sitting in the booth on a cold day around Christmas. I stared at the glass case of pie slowly turning clock wise in the heat lamp, crust glistening, calling my name. The ponytail was not there this week; a chubby redhead with squeaky shoes was in her place.  She kept zipping by and I would ask her, “Cherry pie please.” She ignored me. “Cherry pie please.”  She ignored me again. My mom told me to be quiet, that “This was a restaurant “ and I had to be good. Well, I had been here before and I knew that all the creepy waitress had to do was open the spinning glass case and give me a piece of glistening cherry pie. Just like the cute one with the ponytail had done the weeks before. It seemed like pretty common sense to me.  Well, she was busy and kept waddling by me.  “CHERRY PIE!!” I yelled.   Mom scolded me again, “JYAG this is a restaurant and you can’t act like that.”  The chunky server squeaked by again ignoring my demands on purpose. I noticed she had a weird mustache and I didn’t like her.   “ I WANT CHERRY PIE!”   I screamed at her.  “Please be quiet, this is a restaurant.” My mom said in a low voice. I climbed up on the table and screamed at the top of my lungs  “THIS IS NOT A RESTARUNT!”  I got my pie. 

I hated riding the bus to school as a little kid. It sucked balls. I was small with bright albino white hair, my ears stuck out like an elf and I liked the Dukes of Hazard. I was pretty much a beacon for older, bigger cooler kids to make fun of me.  Everyday I would walk to the corner of Center and 1^st to catch the bus and ever day Cedric and William would rip on me, calling me “Hitler’s wet dream”  “Albino faggot “ or my personal favorite “The Arian nation poster child.” They would take my delicious Capri Sun, slap me around and make me feel like a little bitch. I would go home and practice beating them up on my stuffed animals; I was a killer in my mind at home. The next day it would happen again no matter how much I practiced kicking their ass on my teddy bear. They would hurl insults at me, take away my treasured Dukes of hazard lunch box, steal my Capri sun and put sand in my sandwich. All the other kids laughed and I took it. I hated the fuckers.

I waited for the last day of school to come knowing that they would be moving to junior high and I wouldn’t have to put up with their insults. The sand in my food would be gone and I would get to drink my precious Capri Sun’s again. The night before the last day I went to Bacon Drug to buy a set of root beer scratch and sniff stickers that I wanted to give to this girl I liked named Jyneal. Waiting outside were  my foes.  Cedirc grabbed my bag, took my stickers and stuck them all over my face. I cried and they laughed. “Tomorrow I’m going to kick your ass” Cedric told me.  I ran home. 

The next morning was do or die.  My mom left for work and I threw my lunch in the garbage and drank my Capri Sun in the back yard. I filled my lunch box up with rocks from the garden and headed to my destiny. 

There they were, Cedric and William waiting for me, smacking their fists in to their hands in a beat to signify my up coming doom. I strolled down to the corner and said nothing.  Cedric loomed over me with William behind. The other kids watched  “I’m going to kick your ass you albino fuck.” he said as he smirked. My heart beat fast and my throat closed up. Fuck it. I wound my Dukes of Hazard lunch box back as far as I could and smashed it in to his sack with all my albino white haired, elf eared might. Rocks flew out everywhere, Cedric howled and fell to his knees, William stood there in disbelief and all the kids blew up with laughter. I stood in shock for a minute as I watched Cedric writhe in pain. He looked like a worm to me. Reality hit as I realized what I had done. I ran home with my tail between my legs hearing his screams behind me. I hid in the garage for the rest of the day.  Never did see Jyneal again

The lessons learned from these events are never get in the way of man and his pie and if you scream loud enough you get what you want. Also, if someone bigger than you says they are going to kick your ass you smash them in the balls with a lunch box as hard as you can.  Seems like common sense to me.

i am bored, editing some junk that needs to be done before the super bowl.. Actually i’m not editing. a guy named Chad is.. i am jut sitting here making sure it gets done, thus  doing this, writing crap, sucking down rolling rocks while i pick my nose and pray this gets done. I kinda forgot about this blog.. its nice to come back to it.. It’s  like finding an old pair of jeans that used to fit just right, but are a little tight.  Maybe i should switch to light beer. Wow, i sound like a chick. Oh well, hard not to when The Counting Crows are playing in the background. 

Anyhoo, to the few that stumble here, Hello.. i miss you… more soon.  I like this pair of pants.

PS… i check this shit out...It rules..  

give me money.

i started doing new stuff over here.

not so much personal stuff.

just silly stuff and fun stuff and basically just random stuff stuff

What’s wrong with me?  I never watched The Office. Yesterday i was procrastinating and still hung over from many many cocktails at Modest Mouse and needed something to take me away. Much like Calgon, but i don’t have a bath tub, so cable and internet are my blanket of choice to whisk me away from the pains of my head, body and soul.  That being said, i was sucked in to a marathon of The Office that has stretched on for way to many hours.  It’s like crack.  Just one more show, just one more hit. Ill do work after one more. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Sometimes being OCD can be counter productive when it is applied to access of multiple seasons of a kick ass television show.

I can not seem to stay put the past couple of months.  I do enough work to not feel bad and just enough work not to piss off the people i do work with. I don’t want to take that cheese of the trap and get wacked in the neck if you know what i mean.  

i leave as much as possible.  Any excuse, any band, any DJ, any anywhere. As long as they are the shit that is. I do have amazing taste. It started with Radiohead, then Vampire Weekend and today i am jetting to go see Modest Mouse. Escapcism with good music is an instant band-aid to hide from actual life.  Plus i am digging finding expesive hotel rooms that are super shiek with nice sheets and large bathrooms. 

Here is some modest mouse for your enjoyment

Next month I am going to Minneapolis for the UFC. Another aweome escape with brutal violnce and bad ass mohter fuckers and shitty beer.

I first remember seeing George Carlin when i was a kid and brutally obsessed with Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure. He played Rufus, Bill and Teds guide from the future. Even then his dry sense of humor and character struck a cord with me and before i knew it i was renting VHS copies of his stand up.  He was my first look in to what true comedy is. He was political, self deprecating and he had balls.  Everything he said came from the heart and he would back it up to the death with giggles and honesty

Thank you Mr. Carlin for a life that was true, heartfelt and funny as hell. He was a warrior for many people, many beliefs and he did it all by making us think and laugh.  Have fun up stairs buddy. Thank you for everything. Your shoes will never be filled and you will be sorely missed.

JYAG

Watching this program makes me want to make more films, it makes me want to make them this good. This is what programming on television should be. This American Life on Showtime is the best show on television. I’m not sure when it’s on, I have my tivo set up for it, so every once in a while I come home to a treat. In a world of cynicism reality, pipe dream contests and sophomoric humor, this show sticks out with its head high above the standards we have set for ourselves for entertainment. It’s something special  

I sit here now watching the latest episode about people named John Smith.  They follow 4 different Johns off all different age groups, backgrounds and economic situations.  The remarkable thing of this show is the way it takes us in.  It shows us how people think, live and love and how similar we all are. These Johns ages 7, 35, 50, 70 have much more in common than their names. Everyone’s fears, goals, relationships, minds and love are all very similar at there core.   It’s the kind of thing that can give you chills realizing how very much the same we all are.

The show does an amazing job of humanizing the hardest thing  to humanize, humans.  It strips down the camouflage, glitter, glam and bullshit everyone at all age’s puts up. I find myself reminded of Charles Karalt on CBS Sunday morning. It’s real and touching and it feels like home.  

Thanks for making this show happen Showtime. You give me faith in television. Your so good I can not even make fun of you, nor do I want to.

See it for yourself. It warmed my cold crusty heart for a minute.

I could really use a butler. An old school one, tall, British and crass. One that keeps secrets, ignores drug use and quietly sends unsightly girls out the back door before an important business meeting or my mother coming to visit.   Of course he would wear a black suit with tails, a turn of the century bow tie and be balding. The tea would always be perfect and he could bring me in a rotary phone on a tray.  Mmmm butler.

I lay here in bed with thoughts of a lovely breakfast being brought to me, alas all i have is my dog looking at me wondering when i will take her for her morning walk, aka “big poopy time.” I wonder if my dog thinks of me as her butler? After all, i bath her, feed her, scratch her ass and pick up her poop. All she has to do is lay i my bed, wag her tail and smile when i come home. She is such a bitch.  lucky dog.  

After an afternoon in south beach with friends, several cocktails, some ill advised pot brownies, running in to my favorite Amsterdamnian bartender, whom I just happened to have an extra ticket for (I convinced my self all day I would run into some body cool at the beach) we finally made it to the theater for Vampire Weekend.  I thought I walked into junior high, only this time I was the substitute teacher. 

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be the old guy at the show. Fucking hell I could be these kids daddy.  The good thing about it was there was no line at the bar.  The only people there were a couple of other oldies sucking down over priced cocktails as fast as they could in order to deal with all the small children with rock t-shirts on.   

After bullshitting with the secrity guy about the best way upstairs to the mezzanine, where the old people sit, he told us about a secret elevator. The oldies crew and I quickly found it and headed up to the front row on the balcony where there were seats to rest our old bones, ledges to set down cocktails and no one in front of us jumping up and down like it was the early 90 and mosh pits were cool. (Were mosh pits ever cool?)  

The band fucking rocked. They are going to be huge and I am glad to have seen them in the early stages of their career.  

To wrecked to do much after the show except pine for macaroni and cheese from the now defunct Cafeteria. Alas, I settled for cheese pizza and my uber sexy sheik hotel.   My friends took pictures with me spooning my food and snoring loudly.

Yes yes, I am quite the catch. 

I do! 

I am spending a couple days in miami for the sole purpose of seeing Vampire Weekend.  

Fun band fun band

Sometimes mondays can be cool. I love playing hooky.