My Top 5 Hangover Movies

Suffering from a severe Jack Daniels induced hangover this Sunday morning I laid in bed, ordered Tai food, shut my phone off and turned on my wonderful television chock full of channels. I hoped and prayed for a good hangover movie. Something mindless, yet exciting, something entertaining yet not thought provoking. I wanted cheap violence and hot chicks. One or other is preferred or if in luck, the extremely rare and elusive movie with both violence and hot chicks. I got the Blade trilogy – It wasn’t that bad. In fact I was pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed Blade 3 . Although its not as good as the first two. The one-liners and kick ass action scenes plus Jessica Biel make this a good damn good hangover flick. So by hangover movie standards it far exceeds the first two. The movie was so cheesy and good in fact that I think it might make a space in to my top 5 hangover movies of all time. Hmm. I need to think about this

Here we go . Just Your average Guy’s top 5 hangover movies

5. Bring It On

If you can tell me something better than watching prepubescent girls jumping around in cheerleading outfits that can take you away from your hangover better than Calgon than I’m a monkey’s uncle. Maybe its because I want to play Spiderman with Kirsten Dunst or maybe its because I want to have a dirty back alley fuck with the other chick in the movie. You know, the bad ass bitch who can do back flips that looks like she cold suck the chrome of a trailer hitch. Yummy. I wish I could marry Dunst, even with her funky teeth and bang the other badass chick on the side in cheap hotel rooms or Banana republic change rooms. Wow I was hungover and just from thinking about this movie I feel better already.

I would also like to add that this movie goes well with Papa John’s pizza. It’s good to have a snack between hangover wanks. The Papa provides dipping butter that not only tastes good on the pizza but give you a nice greasy hand all at the same time. Not bad for $9.95. Bring It On and the hangover goes away.

4. Predator

This is by far my favorite Arnold movie ever. In fact it takes the cake in my book as the greatest action movie this side of Hong Kong ever made in the history of the world. I love when Carl Weathers and Arnold shake hands when they see each other and show off their muscles. Pure roided out hotness. I mean that in the least gay way I can. I always wanted muscles like that when I was a child. Alas, the only muscle that is abnormally large on me is my right forearm, but that is another story.

We then get into Jesse “the body” Venture with his kick ass, big fucking gun he carries around with no problem even though it weighs 300 pounds. There is that Indian dude who chooses to fight with only a sword, after cutting his chest open and yelping out his native battle cry. Don’t forget that other black dude who has a man crush on “the body” and dry shaves his face while hunting The Predator. Did I forget to mention lots of guns, skinned bodies, and a sort of hot Spanish chick who runs around screaming looking like she wants to bang Arnold? To top it off, Arnold is covered in mud, kicking ass with booby traps and jungle stick weaponry. Oh yea, and the Predator is the baddest fucking alien ever. He kicks fucking ass and we should all bare his children so that there are tons of little badass half alien kids running around kicking more ass.

“What the fuck are you?” The complete shit. That’s what you are mister alien, the complete shit.

Watching this awesomeness you forget you even had a hangover and you want to cover you self in mud and kick the shit out of everything.

3 The 2nd Season Of Scrubs

I know that this isn’t movie. But when you’ve hit an all time hangover low and your memories of the night before embarrass you and cause you to hide under your blanket in self-loathing, Zack Braff and company can coax you out gently. They hold you and tell you everything is going to be al right. They pick the puke out of your hair, and wash the pubes off your face, stuck there from passing out on the bathroom floor yet again. They can be your best hang over friends and remind you that other people drink Appletini’s to.

I choose the 2nd season because it has that kick ass episode of Colin Hay singing “over kill” I know this doesn’t have any violence or naked chicks, but really, who wouldn’t want to bang Sarah Chalke. She is just too geeky hot for her own good. You know what they say about geeky chicks right? Go find yourself one and find out.

There is nothing more soothing than a chocolate bear and Dr. Cox telling it like it is. Ah, they make me feel like I actually have friends and my head doesn’t hurt so much anymore

EXTRA EXTRA! Here is a blip of that Colin Hay video – - – -

You’re welcome.

2. Old School

What can I say about this classic that hasn’t been said already? This is one of the funniest movies of all time. Will Ferrell simply kicks ass. Vince Vaughn owns. Luke Wilson is a hero. I want to go out in a tub of lube with naked chicks like Blue does. I want to live my life in their basement getting wasting watching Girls Gone Wild and chucking beer bottles at the wall dressed only in my puke and fart stained bathrobe. Their house is like sanctuary for all things manly.

Please God, please let me come back and live in this movie forever over and over again. I too want to gang bang Juliet Lewis. I want to shoot Frank the Tank with a horse tranquilizer. Shit, ill even wear the big purple dinosaur outfit the afro kid hates. Ill shake my tail with pride, as long as I was high and got to hang out with these guys.

Every time I watch this movie I feel better about myself. I feel better about life. I feel like a champion in a land of retards. I feel like I could do shot put. In fills me full of vigor and promise, that soon a new day will rise and we can all safely act like drunken assholes, get mad pussy, live like dirt balls and be successful at anything we choose. This is a tale of hope and destiny for us all.

I recommend a bong hit before every time you watch it. Pure hangover heaven.

1 Roadhouse

This is the greatest hangover movie of all time. There is nothing that comes close to this . it kicks so much ass even the pussy French like. (Proof is in the French Roadhouse poster I found.)

Dalton is small but whips the fuck out of everyone. He is the best in the business at kicking ass in bars. He has a degree in philosophy and that philosophy is kicking ass,

He also bangs the hot doctor in his barn apartment, She has nice tits. He kicks more asses. We get to see a strip dance from a great blonde who epitomizes what hot 80’s ass should look like. Dumb, blonde, big boobs and loves to fuck. Also she has kick ass bangs. Jersey mall bangs. She even does Jazzercise.

Could this movie kick any more ass? Why yes it could. It even has Sam Elliot, he is manliest man this side of Chuck Norris. He is the oldest most kick ass bouncer in the land and can drink you and your grandmother under the table. To top it off there is even a monster truck scene where the big truck smashes a bunch of cars. This makes Dalton want to kick more ass. More you ask for? How about a mullet guy getting his throat ripped out. Oh yea that’s in there to. Did I mention there is a blind guy-playing guitar as well. Blind guys playing instruments kick ass

This movie kicks so much ass that even the IMDB description of the movie kicks ass

“Dalton lives like a loner, fights like a professional. And loves like there’s no tomorrow. Dalton’s the best bouncer in the business. His nights are filled with fast action, hot music and beautiful women. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.”

Nothing better for a hangover than tits and ass kicking. Nothing.

Except maybe a blow job…. a blowjob and Roadhouse… now that would really kick ass.

There you have it. My top 5 hangover movies.

I have also listed a few for honorable mention in no order, just movies I like when I am hurting.

Please add more

True Romance
Goonies
Ferris bueller’s day off
Harold and Maude
Big Trouble in little China.
Half Baked.
The Die Hard Trilogy

Telemundo Is Awesome

If you do not have Telemundo, the Spanish television channel you need to call your cable service provider and berate them in to submission as fast as you can. It is the best station to waste time with ever. It’s ever better than Antique Road Show. Telemodu has way hotter chicks with killer bodies and large boobies. I Iove boobies.

I was just passing by my television to get some more hot sauce for my chips and on the television was this hot big boobied Mexican chick rubbing her soft tittles in a circle. Next to her, a greasy Mexican looking dude was showing her how to do it properly. I swear he said something about pinching the nipple to get the best result. Point being, breast examinations are always hot, but even hotter in Spanish.

To top it off the very next commercial was for an ass bra. It made the girls ass tight and round. They even had a before and after cartoon. This ass bra is needed to battle the never ending black bean expansion suffered by all Spanish looking chicks. The older they get the bigger their asses grow and grow. Get ‘em when they are young boys, get ‘em when they are young.

Yikes! I just had an image of getting some chick home with a nice ass, her ass bra flying off like a sling shot and hitting me in the eye. The worst part would not be me with one eye, but the fact that I thought I was getting a nice ass only to have a giant flabby one flop out at me and scare my one remaining eye deep in to the socket. It wouldn’t forgive me for days. I’ll have to remind myself to get really really drunk when taking home Spanish looking chicks over 19. I don’t want to scare my one eye.

I love you Telemundo!

Good Lord… Bachelor parties are silly, yet kick ass

Ill cut to day two. Mostly because I’m still hungover and do not feel like writing about the first day. After surviving the first night, in which shockingly I won the drunken award, everybody rallied for day two.

Seeing as this was only a two-day event this was the most important day. I thought it would be a good idea to take everybody jet skiing. To get ready, a few of us did some shots a bit of drugs. (Ha – jet skiing on drugs is a wonderful combination.) Okay I forget how much jet skis attack your sack. The night before two Russian strippers were bouncing on my balls for an absolute bargain at $20 a piece. Now I’m on a jet ski and my little round soldiers are getting treated liked like a one of those balls on a paddle except the kid with paddle has ADD and OCD and loves to whack it really fucking hard. Add going plus 55mph on the ocean and you have some hurting nutties. Whoo fucking Hoo.

After a few beers, pounds of fried seafood at a back alley fish joint my balls felt better – a quick disco nap and off to a B level strip club we went.

We rented out our own couch and had a bottle of Jack waiting – Fuck – better hit the cash machine. You get the picture. Twenty’s – tittes – pussy- cocktails. Drunkenness

Okay I just puked again so I’m going to wrap this one up quick. Several hundred dollars, another bottle of Jack. More drugs, London the stripper rubbing my sack. After hours at a rum bar. Breakfast at 9am with a crazy Venezuelan chick and London the ball-rubbing stripper, I ran away and zigzagged home

My head hurts my feet stink and I don’t love Jesus. Ouch

P.S. if you ever leave me alone again with a crazy British stripper and a Venezuelan chick at 8am ill kill you. The least you could do is offer to buy breakfast.

I’d Still Tag The Pig!

I was just walking my dog and thinking about Britney Spears. I think my dog reminded me of Spears because she is a little over weight, drools a lot and tends to show people her vag. Okay my dog doesn’t show people her vag, but I bet if she took a lot of vicodin and went clubbing you might catch a glimpse. Anyway, about Spears, I think she’s still pretty hot for a trashy hoe. She’s always been a trashy hoe, now she’s just a little older and been rode a little bit. This might be a good thing. She’s knows the score, is probably better in bed now than ever before. Plus she’s not all lovey dovey high school crap shit any more. Reality has struck her down, She’s had her heart broken and is now callist and wary of giving her little broken shell of a heart away. This means she wont fall in love with you just because you get drunk and bang her. Awesome

I am sick off all of these chump ass reporters and celebrities ripping on her for being a tad chunky. She looks better than most of the girls I know. Plus she’s always ready for a pimps and hoes party. Point being is, leave the chubby bitch alone.

I thought if these positive points about her being chunky that can make her feel better,

1. She can eat anything she wants. Who the fuck cares! She’s fat all ready!

2. I guarantee her butt is better for the back door action now. More coushin’ for the pushin’ if you know what I’m saying. (Note to skinny bitches: When you have no ass, banging you from behind hurts our thighs and leave bruises. You’re women not a ten-year-old boy. So gain some fucking weight)

3. Its more fun to jump up and down because more stuff jiggles around.

4. When you wave goodbye it reminds people of their grandma.

5. Even with some extra pounds you’re still hotter than everyone who talks shit about you.

6. You can make a come back by doing a Jenny Craig or a “Trimspa baby” commercial. Seems to do wonders for other people who have fallen off the A -LIST

Side note to Britney: Wear cute little undies, maybe something with a cartoon animal like a giraffe or something. It’s true that imagination is better than reality. Especially when it comes to your junk. Cute undies will give the boy’s wet dreams, as well as covering your weird looking bald junk