Telemundo Is Awesome

If you do not have Telemundo, the Spanish television channel you need to call your cable service provider and berate them in to submission as fast as you can. It is the best station to waste time with ever. It’s ever better than Antique Road Show. Telemodu has way hotter chicks with killer bodies and large boobies. I Iove boobies.

I was just passing by my television to get some more hot sauce for my chips and on the television was this hot big boobied Mexican chick rubbing her soft tittles in a circle. Next to her, a greasy Mexican looking dude was showing her how to do it properly. I swear he said something about pinching the nipple to get the best result. Point being, breast examinations are always hot, but even hotter in Spanish.

To top it off the very next commercial was for an ass bra. It made the girls ass tight and round. They even had a before and after cartoon. This ass bra is needed to battle the never ending black bean expansion suffered by all Spanish looking chicks. The older they get the bigger their asses grow and grow. Get ‘em when they are young boys, get ‘em when they are young.

Yikes! I just had an image of getting some chick home with a nice ass, her ass bra flying off like a sling shot and hitting me in the eye. The worst part would not be me with one eye, but the fact that I thought I was getting a nice ass only to have a giant flabby one flop out at me and scare my one remaining eye deep in to the socket. It wouldn’t forgive me for days. I’ll have to remind myself to get really really drunk when taking home Spanish looking chicks over 19. I don’t want to scare my one eye.

I love you Telemundo!

Good Lord… Bachelor parties are silly, yet kick ass

Ill cut to day two. Mostly because I’m still hungover and do not feel like writing about the first day. After surviving the first night, in which shockingly I won the drunken award, everybody rallied for day two.

Seeing as this was only a two-day event this was the most important day. I thought it would be a good idea to take everybody jet skiing. To get ready, a few of us did some shots a bit of drugs. (Ha – jet skiing on drugs is a wonderful combination.) Okay I forget how much jet skis attack your sack. The night before two Russian strippers were bouncing on my balls for an absolute bargain at $20 a piece. Now I’m on a jet ski and my little round soldiers are getting treated liked like a one of those balls on a paddle except the kid with paddle has ADD and OCD and loves to whack it really fucking hard. Add going plus 55mph on the ocean and you have some hurting nutties. Whoo fucking Hoo.

After a few beers, pounds of fried seafood at a back alley fish joint my balls felt better – a quick disco nap and off to a B level strip club we went.

We rented out our own couch and had a bottle of Jack waiting – Fuck – better hit the cash machine. You get the picture. Twenty’s – tittes – pussy- cocktails. Drunkenness

Okay I just puked again so I’m going to wrap this one up quick. Several hundred dollars, another bottle of Jack. More drugs, London the stripper rubbing my sack. After hours at a rum bar. Breakfast at 9am with a crazy Venezuelan chick and London the ball-rubbing stripper, I ran away and zigzagged home

My head hurts my feet stink and I don’t love Jesus. Ouch

P.S. if you ever leave me alone again with a crazy British stripper and a Venezuelan chick at 8am ill kill you. The least you could do is offer to buy breakfast.

I’d Still Tag The Pig!

I was just walking my dog and thinking about Britney Spears. I think my dog reminded me of Spears because she is a little over weight, drools a lot and tends to show people her vag. Okay my dog doesn’t show people her vag, but I bet if she took a lot of vicodin and went clubbing you might catch a glimpse. Anyway, about Spears, I think she’s still pretty hot for a trashy hoe. She’s always been a trashy hoe, now she’s just a little older and been rode a little bit. This might be a good thing. She’s knows the score, is probably better in bed now than ever before. Plus she’s not all lovey dovey high school crap shit any more. Reality has struck her down, She’s had her heart broken and is now callist and wary of giving her little broken shell of a heart away. This means she wont fall in love with you just because you get drunk and bang her. Awesome

I am sick off all of these chump ass reporters and celebrities ripping on her for being a tad chunky. She looks better than most of the girls I know. Plus she’s always ready for a pimps and hoes party. Point being is, leave the chubby bitch alone.

I thought if these positive points about her being chunky that can make her feel better,

1. She can eat anything she wants. Who the fuck cares! She’s fat all ready!

2. I guarantee her butt is better for the back door action now. More coushin’ for the pushin’ if you know what I’m saying. (Note to skinny bitches: When you have no ass, banging you from behind hurts our thighs and leave bruises. You’re women not a ten-year-old boy. So gain some fucking weight)

3. Its more fun to jump up and down because more stuff jiggles around.

4. When you wave goodbye it reminds people of their grandma.

5. Even with some extra pounds you’re still hotter than everyone who talks shit about you.

6. You can make a come back by doing a Jenny Craig or a “Trimspa baby” commercial. Seems to do wonders for other people who have fallen off the A -LIST

Side note to Britney: Wear cute little undies, maybe something with a cartoon animal like a giraffe or something. It’s true that imagination is better than reality. Especially when it comes to your junk. Cute undies will give the boy’s wet dreams, as well as covering your weird looking bald junk