this was forwarded to me by the one and only Freaky D!   

I live in a world of bars, booze, drugs and swine. (I really love bacon) Having been with out a girlfriend for the past several months I seem to gravitate towards late night debauchery, emotionless hook ups and late night cab rides that provide good stories, but leave an empty heart. Don’t get me wrong I have met some amazing women as well over the past few weeks; unfortunatly they always seem to live across the world and the reality of hanging out with them just is not in the cards right now. I do hope that pipe dream becomes a reality one day. You never know.

To fulfill the my heart on my sleeve needs, I have developed a crush, a yearning if you will for a kindred spirit with a women so amazing, so endearing, so incredibly perfect it’s impossible for me to find a flaw in her. And I get to see her 2 times a day. She never fails to leave me feeling good, feeling satisfied and she always starts every conversation with a smile. When she comes in the room every man stares at her with awe, with zeal, with passion. Who could this perfect woman be you ask? None other than Giada from The food Network or course.

Her cute little hands, amazing cleavage and giant bobble head that jiggles around in unison with her boobs have hypnotized me into comfort, utter admiration and love for the most perfect women I have ever known (or not known as the case maybe.) The way she mixes up her dishes, mashes her potatoes with glee, turns me in to mush and I stare at her with pleasure knowing that there are good women out there. At the very least she is out there and that gives me hope, it gives humanity hope.

Isn’t it amazing the standards you have for a partner, a girlfriend or boyfriend what ever and the standards you have to get laid never seem to be on the same plane? I wish I could say mine are one and the same. But I get drunk and turn in to a horny scumbag and all the standards go out the window. If I held every girl I know up to the Giada standard I would not ever get any, but maybe I would elevate my chances of meeting somebody with in the Giada ballpark. Unfortunately late night scotch tends to win over thoughts of the heart.

Truth be told I am not the only one in love. Everyday a group of guys from all classes and ages meet for lunch at this cool bar on the Warf. We drink wine, eat fattening food and tune in to The Food Network for our mutual crush. Conversations come to an end and everyone zeros in on her little body cruising around the kitchen. We get excited when she changes her hair, disappointed when she isn’t wearing a low cut shirt, we come up with ideas to make the show better such as “oven cam” so when she puts her delicious treats in oven we can get a good shot of her cleavage. Food and boobs… its really all men want.

I’m not sure where all this is going. I know this, at the end of the day I might not have a women close that I care for or see a future with right now, but I do have Giada and that means there are others like her out there and I thank god for that.

For your viewing pleasure here are some of my favorite pictures and video’s of the greatest women on the planet.

I am admittedly a little obsessive

In a bikini… who hoo!

Swimming in yellow water !

Sorry.. i just can’t help myself

Oh yea… She cooks to.. mmmm Bacon

I stayed out at a benefit party until the wee hours of the morning singing karaoke with drag queens, playing Wii bowling and talking up my buddies ex girlfriend and her cute little buddy until the sun came up. So much for not drinking for a day. Why does 4am come so fast? Also is there any way to avoid a cocktail in this town for 24hrs if you leave the house? Last but not least… If I never go grocery shopping, why can I always find something to eat out of old condiments and stale chips? Son of a bitch I need to find a passion for something other than booze and tits… Not that there is anything wrong with those things.

Well, I missed the Oscars. I actually enjoy them in a fucked up way. Being the cynical fuck that I am it surprises me that I sit here upset with myself for missing them for booze and boobies. In hindsight I should have went with the Oscars. Booze and tits be damned! God damn this 20/20 hindsight bullshit is always right. The thing is, I am going to LA for some film stuff at the end of the week and I wanted to remind myself that the famous are cooler than us and have better teeth. Damn it, I’ll just have to pick up People to fill me in and the wonderful gossip that only happens in La La Land.

I am stoked all my favorite films won. Proof again that my opinion rules and what I think is awesome; truly is. My title of king shit motherfucker stays in tact. I love the Coen brothers with all my heart (as much as you can man love a brother filmmaking team) and was touched by Best picture winner “No Country For Old Men” in a way that only they can. What other filmmakers make you identify with the oddities of life quite like the Coens? They make violence an endearing ballet. Not to mention, they are from my hometown and make me proud to be a Minnesotan. Also banging out the talent from MN, Diablo Cody, an ex stripper from the greatest dive dance club ever located right in downtown Minneapolis came up with the best screenplay for “Juno.” This was the feel good, hip ass comedy of the year. Check it out; it will make you chuckle and cry. (I’m a pussy)

Reading about this as I sit here awaiting yet another hangover I tip my hat to those that followed there passion to the ninth degree and grace us with powerful stories straight from the deepest parts of their mind and the deepest parts of their hearts. The Coens and Ms Cody make me want to be a better filmmaker, a better writer, and a better person. As much as booze and boobies rule, winning an Oscar has got to feel pretty damn good. Imagine all the booze and boobies you get then.

Reading some info on Juno early this morning I came across this out take. I want to give the chubby kid a hug after I “Animal House” the other guy over the head with his acoustic guitar. I know it wrong, but I can’t help myself. I hate acoustic guitar boys, yet I love this moment in film because it feels so innocent and real. I’m not even sure this is even part of the movie but i heart it anyways. Enjoy

Update: so this isn’t from the movie..oops The reason it feels so real and endearing is because it is real and endearing. They are the Naked Sumos. These guys are simple sweet and awesome. I’m usually more of hip hop – funk- soul guy but i got some love for the sappy acoustic stuff as well. I’m not going to put on a James Taylor album or identify to much with Elliot smith (RIP) but these kids got me. So support them, see them, make them your myspace friend and tell them how much they kick ass.


It’s 6:42am and I just woke up from a dead sleep, nothing is wrong, nobody is here, no hangover, just an incredible craving for a corndog. Yup a corndog. A classic state, fair deep-fried hot dog on a stick covered in mustard and filled with tasty goodness. Mmmm corndog.I’m obsessed, I cannot even go back to sleep.. It’s all I want.  

How does one deal with wanting something so simple and good, yet so out of reach? I feel like I now know how heroin addicts feel. My skin is starting to itch and I might put on an Iggy Pop album. The only difference between the junkies and me is they can get heroin if they really need it, but my state fair corn dogs are nearly impossible to come by, especially in February.


Your probably thinking, “Don’t be such an obsessed fool JYAG. Just go to the grocery store and pick up some Corndogs in a box and satisfy your soul with one of those treats waiting for you in the frozen food department.” I know what your saying, but that would be like wanting to do it to Elizabeth Hurley and getting to bang your average looking neighbor just because she was there and you were horny. It would be fun and all, just not quite what you were looking for, but your stomach is filled none-the-less.


 That’s just not how I roll.  I want what I want and nothing else will do. That is unless I have a few cocktails, than what ever is in front of my face will work just fine. Ill wait it out. I’m not settling for any other crap shit corndog. No. At least not while I’m sober. That and I just remembered I have an egg roll from last night in my fridge. Egg roll and duck sauce….Mmmmmm.

MR. Corndog, you’ll have to wait. Don’t worry, I wont forget about you.

Be ready.

Oh yea, and have the yellow mustard prepared as well.


You know that’s how I like it.

I wrote one article on BJ’s a while back and now that is the link that gives me the most hits. Out of 75 posts I have done over the past three months one silly post on Heather Brooke and her amazing sucking skills put me into the blow job search engine world.

I have to admit I was a bit shocked at the amount of hits based BJ’s.  I know I love Bj’s, but I didn’t realize that that was what was going to bring me visitors, success and grandeur. Then I remembered that all the internet is, is simply a place for porn and silly videos. A time waster with some good sex clips as well as a place to steal music from. Alas, here we are.

Seeing as blow jobs are such a hit, I googled “blow job” to see what came up. Below you will find links and reviews of the top ten BJ links Google has provided.

#10 Blow Job (film) – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Andy Warhol rounds out the top ten with a wikipedia definition of his early movie title “Blow Job”. Great title! It cuts to chase and leaves no room for discussion about what this film could be about. It’s about a Blow job!  whooo Hooo!

Here is what wikipedia had to say about Andy and his blow job movie

“Blow Job is a 1964 short film directed by Andy Warhol. Filmed in January 1964, the 35-minute film was shot with a 16-millimetre Bolex silent camera on black-and-white film. It depicts the face of an anonymous young man (DeVeren Bookwalter) as he receives fellatio from an off-screen partner, widely reported to be avant-garde filmmaker Willard Maas.”

Pretty interesting if you are in to film history about blow jobs and feel like reading a dictionary

#9 Blowjob Paradise – Frenchcum.com

This is basically a link to pay for porn sites. They promise much, but nothing is really there. Some nice pictures I guess, but who cares. Give me free shit or go home. I did like their text at the top of the page.  

” If you’ve found yourself the way to the free blowjob page, it means you’re a true lover of oral sex, cum swallowing, deep throats, face fucking, ATM sex, sperm burping and many other romantic activities. This is for men to enjoy and for women to give out of generosity, curiosity or just because they are cock-sucking whores that love giving hot blowjobs “

Nicely put. I love how “sperm burping and many other romantic activities” are strung together in a sentence. That has to be a literary first!

#8 Blowjob Ninjas – Bang Bros sites

On principal alone, the name “Blowjob Ninjas” kicks major ass. Two awesome things combined into one. Ninja’s & Blow jobs. Yes! I love it! Unfortunatly this site is another linkage like site. It has some cool trailer of this dude and his sexual adventures. It’s just basic silly porn. I wish it lived up to the name and had Ninja’s getting Blowjobs. Now that would have kicked ass.

Here is what Ninja Blowjob had to say about his site.

“Welcome to only Adult site on the internet that focuses on Asian men and women of all kinds, including blonde girls, brunettes, Latinas, Asian, Black girls, etc. I am a horny guy and I want to be with all the beautiful girls out there! In my site you will find lots of pictures and videos, in addition there are forums, personals, chats, etc. I am the “main” guy on the site and the pictures you will see are essentially about my sexual adventures with girls I meet online, swingers, porn stars, strippers, girls I have met on my travels, etc”

Yup, he’s Asian and likes to get blown. Holy buckets, isn’t that shocking. the only difference between him and me is that he is Asian.  That and he makes money on porn and films himself.

I do have a ninja out fit and I did get a BJ in it once. I wish I had filmed it so I could kicks this sites ass.

#7 BlowjobChronicles.com Blowjob Videos

Guess what? It’s a porn link site that shows you chicks that give blow jobs!! Shocking right? The title says it all “the adventures of Manmeat Nymphos” Hahahaha! They said “Manmeat” Good use of words.

It’s your basic site with some free teaser videos of chicks giving head. I kind of dug the girl with the teacher glasses. She made me feel naughty and I liked it.

#6 Free Porn Blowjob pictures and movies galleries

More stupid links. This one is the worst. Nothing fun. No silly catch phrases. Nothing. It really doesn’t deserve to be at #6. This one invoked anger from me for being such a piece of smelly trash. I don’t mean that in a good way.

#5 YouTube – Priceless Blowjob

Great commercial. Watch it below.

Now that’s some good shit. For some reason that brought me back to my youth when I would go pick up girls for dates when I was 16 and their fathers would look at me with distain as they knew all I wanted was to stick my junk in their daughters mouth. I wish they would have had a sense of humor like that. All they had was shotguns.

#4 YouTube – Blowjob Girl

Another video. Watch below sucka

I did not find this funny. In fact I want my time back for watching it. That chick really made me want to punch her in the nose or the throat, one or the other. I really do not care. The camera guy was a douche bag as well. He deserves a kick in the balls. I can’t believe they made it to number 4. Shows you how stupid most people online are, you guys excluded of course.

#3 Fellatio – Blow job Instruction

Awesome!! Great instructions for chicks from a chick on how to give good head. You have to love chicks helping chicks get better at getting us off. This is the type of women I want to date this is type of women I want in my life. A total giver, a teacher, a women who cares about doing things right. Here is what she had to say

“Giving head, a blow job, fellatio, call it what you like, but there are many wonderful benefits to performing this delicious sex act.

For one, it can provide the one giving it empowerment with infinite possibilities to be creative and provide amazing pleasure. Particularly when performed with enthusiasm it can not only be incredible to the receiver but to the one providing it as well.

Let’s first discuss the most important ingredient to giving fantastic fellatio… ATTITUDE.”

She goes in to deep throating, how not to gag on cock, different techniques. She does this in a way that is not dirty or porn like. She is all about helping normal people to do sexual things the way that porn stars do. She rules and I heart her.

#2 Blowjob Blog oral sex blogger LOVES blowjobs

Wow, this guy loves blowjobs. I mean really loves them. More than all of us combined. Its all he thins about talks about writes about and I am very impressed with his dedication to covering the greatest known pleasure to man. Words can not describe his complete and utter saturation in to the world of getting head so check him out and be amazed someone spends this must time dealing with Blow Jobs. Thank you Mr. blowjob man. Thank you.

#1 BlowJob Battle – blowjob babes and blow job galleries

Here we have it folks, the number one site that comes up on goggle when you type in “ Blow Job”  It is BLOW JOB BATTLE!! I really like the concept of having two girls battle it out on who gives the best blow job. Unfortunately this is all a ploy to get you to link to other paid porn sites.

Damn! I would have loved to see a true battle of chicks doing what they do best competing at who is the best blow jobber in the land We could put them in a ring, onstage or in a bowl of Jell-O. Mono E mono. They could have a trainer; a spit bucket, we could even have them do throat stretching exercises before hand. Really the possibilities are endless.

At the end of the day after all of my blow job research I have to say nothing is better than Heather and www.ideepthroat.com. She is the champ of champs of BJ’s.  She is where this all started and she is still the champ.

Go here for Heather and the best BJ ever!! http://www.youporn.com/watch/17225

PS - Heather, if you ever read this, thank you, thank you, thank you. Kiss

I hope I’ve made you guys happy with my BJ research. I am now expecting a huge surge in traffic, as this seems to be the only thing that gets people excited.

I have to be honest with you, this was all a ploy to get people to read my other stuff so if you made it this far, please look around at the other posts. Let me know what you think. Send me weird news, videos or anything else that crosses your path.

Cheers!

UPDATE:

just as i expected. The site has been hit ten times more  than normal and it’s only been a couple of hours. porn is where the pudding is.

you are all sex deprived freaks

Wow, the fact that people actually read this blog is awesome. The fact that you people are sick and send me some fucked shit, well, that rules even more.

Thank you Slint for sending this god-awful footage of lesbian comic extraordinaire, Margaret Cho shaking her junk in some sort of performance comic piece. I give credit where credit is due and for a 40-year-old lesbian Asian chick, she can really shake her boobies. Very impressive tit control. I am going to try and find out what the heck this is and why I enjoy it. Ill gets back to you soon.

In the mean time, enjoy naked dancing Margaret Cho.

.

Women seem to come in waves lately. When I get one, I get four and when one leaves, they all do. Then I usually end up making drunken phone calls trying to convince one of them to come over and bang me. It never really works. At this point I am the desperate dude looking for quick ass and they can smell it on me like a two-day-old fish sandwich.

I wonder if there is some secret women group out there where they link up with each other and let it be known that now is the time to leave. I think they conspire, all of them together. They probably have conversations like, “Lets drop that two pump chump all at once. It’ll be great. Then we can take bets on who he will drunk dial first.“
Stupid whores.

The funny thing is I couldn’t stand any of them when they were banging me. Now that they’re not, I want to bang them. Fuck nature is a bitch.

So last night, after a couple of unreturned drunk dials I drank a few beers to entertain myself and the next thing I know its 2:30 in the morning and I’m bouncing between Raging Bull and House of Wax on their respective HBO channels. (On side note: House of Wax didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. In fact I think Paris Hilton has a wonderful career being in B horror movies. She is really good at getting banged and killed. I thought it was nice they had her partnered up with a black dude. It shows her diversity.) A ll of this while trying to find something good on Youporn.com
And then I struck gold

The gold I found, or I should say, re-found was Heather Brooke. She is the owner and star of ideepthroat.com Wow can this chick take a dick in the mouth. I heart her. She gives me faith that there are good women out there. You can see the absolute joy on her face as she takes her husband large cock all the way down her throat. I mean all the way. Thus the name of her site I deep throat. She is the grand ninja of blowjobs. She makes all other blow jobs look like CNN. Interesting, but not quite as good as it should be. She is the BBC of blowjobs. Thought provoking, entertaining and kicking the shit out of all other news channels. That being said, I hate the fucking British. As a bonus, she even has a couple of nice anal scenes as well. Those are nice and all but I really love her bj’s

After I tossed my load I noticed that my dog was looking at me weird and I felt really dirty. Then I realized that I was wanking while Raging Bull was playing and I could understand where my dog was coming from.

Its low tide now, but I feel the waves coming in soon.

This is an article i was asked to do for a local magazine. Please feel free to insert fuck and kick ass every few sentences. Then it should sound more like me.

Tattoos are now available on Main Street. This makes me very happy. I love watching people get them. I’ve been sitting out side of the new tattoo shop, sucking down beers and watching it all go down. I enjoy seeing the pain and agony with never a wavering doubt that people getting tattoos have. They want this on their body for the rest of their life and they want it right now. I admire their conviction and commitment to their ideas and the fact they can live with a drawing on their body forever. I can barley commit to a cell phone company, much less something that would be on me for the rest of my life.

If I did get a tattoo It would be the little guy from Fantasy Island, Tattoo. You know that little midget guy in a suit that screamed when a plane was coming in. I’d put him right on my chest and walk around with my shirt off everyday. Everyone would look at me and say, ” Wow, check out that awesome Tattoo tattoo. That guy kicks ass.” I would officially have the coolest tattoo ever. I could make plane jokes all night long, wiggle my chest to make it look like he was dancing, I would pick up dumb sorority girls impressed with my Tattoo tattoo dancing skills. I would eventually be invited on talk shows that are aired in the afternoon on the WB or CW (or what ever they call it now) to show off my awesomness. I would rule. I guess that’s why I don’t get tattoos, every time I think of getting one, these are the thoughts in my head.

I remember for a while there it was super sheik to get Chinese or Japanese or Outer Mongolia symbols on your body. It was all so someone could ask “So, what does that mean?” The douche bag with the Asian character proudly displayed where everyone could see it would say, “ It means Strength of Soul.” Or something else retarded like, “Oh that’s the Tibetan symbol of peace.” This brilliance coming from a guy with a two-sided beer hat on his head, roided out screaming at a Cleveland Browns game every Sunday. Strength of Soul my ass.

I always wanted to get a Chinese tattoo that said Chicken Fried Rice, so when a hot young bleach blonde collegey looking girl came up and checked out my pipes and saw my super cool symbol tattoo and said, “What does that mean?” I could look her in the eye and whisper “Chicken Fried Rice” That would be hot. She would want my symboled cover arms, because I was deeper than deep, I was special #46. She would love me long time.

Isn’t it great that tattoos are easy ways to identify people. Dolphin tattoo equals lesbian. Tattoos on lower back of a chick equals tramp. Barbed wire on upper arm of dude equals douche bag . Maybe we should all get tattoos. That way the guessing game would be out the window and we would know exactly what we were getting right off the bat. No messing around.

Tattoos are wonderful and I cannot wait to see more of them now that we have two cool tattoos shops on Main Street. They are people’s artwork, symbols of their life, little windows in to their soul. Or just fun drawings to make college looking blonde chicks dig you. I bet if I got Tattoo tattoo on my chest with his own tattoo of Chinese symbols, that I would really kick ass. Everyone would know what a nut job I really am. I could scream at Cleveland Browns games with pride, shaking my chest while screaming “Da Plane Da Plane!” All the hot collegy looking chicks would think my Dancing Tattoo was deep and symbolic, but all he would really be, is chicken fried rice

Suffering from a severe Jack Daniels induced hangover this Sunday morning I laid in bed, ordered Tai food, shut my phone off and turned on my wonderful television chock full of channels. I hoped and prayed for a good hangover movie. Something mindless, yet exciting, something entertaining yet not thought provoking. I wanted cheap violence and hot chicks. One or other is preferred or if in luck, the extremely rare and elusive movie with both violence and hot chicks. I got the Blade trilogy – It wasn’t that bad. In fact I was pleasantly surprised how much I enjoyed Blade 3 . Although its not as good as the first two. The one-liners and kick ass action scenes plus Jessica Biel make this a good damn good hangover flick. So by hangover movie standards it far exceeds the first two. The movie was so cheesy and good in fact that I think it might make a space in to my top 5 hangover movies of all time. Hmm. I need to think about this

Here we go . Just Your average Guy’s top 5 hangover movies

5. Bring It On

If you can tell me something better than watching prepubescent girls jumping around in cheerleading outfits that can take you away from your hangover better than Calgon than I’m a monkey’s uncle. Maybe its because I want to play Spiderman with Kirsten Dunst or maybe its because I want to have a dirty back alley fuck with the other chick in the movie. You know, the bad ass bitch who can do back flips that looks like she cold suck the chrome of a trailer hitch. Yummy. I wish I could marry Dunst, even with her funky teeth and bang the other badass chick on the side in cheap hotel rooms or Banana republic change rooms. Wow I was hungover and just from thinking about this movie I feel better already.

I would also like to add that this movie goes well with Papa John’s pizza. It’s good to have a snack between hangover wanks. The Papa provides dipping butter that not only tastes good on the pizza but give you a nice greasy hand all at the same time. Not bad for $9.95. Bring It On and the hangover goes away.

4. Predator

This is by far my favorite Arnold movie ever. In fact it takes the cake in my book as the greatest action movie this side of Hong Kong ever made in the history of the world. I love when Carl Weathers and Arnold shake hands when they see each other and show off their muscles. Pure roided out hotness. I mean that in the least gay way I can. I always wanted muscles like that when I was a child. Alas, the only muscle that is abnormally large on me is my right forearm, but that is another story.

We then get into Jesse “the body” Venture with his kick ass, big fucking gun he carries around with no problem even though it weighs 300 pounds. There is that Indian dude who chooses to fight with only a sword, after cutting his chest open and yelping out his native battle cry. Don’t forget that other black dude who has a man crush on “the body” and dry shaves his face while hunting The Predator. Did I forget to mention lots of guns, skinned bodies, and a sort of hot Spanish chick who runs around screaming looking like she wants to bang Arnold? To top it off, Arnold is covered in mud, kicking ass with booby traps and jungle stick weaponry. Oh yea, and the Predator is the baddest fucking alien ever. He kicks fucking ass and we should all bare his children so that there are tons of little badass half alien kids running around kicking more ass.

“What the fuck are you?” The complete shit. That’s what you are mister alien, the complete shit.

Watching this awesomeness you forget you even had a hangover and you want to cover you self in mud and kick the shit out of everything.

3 The 2nd Season Of Scrubs

I know that this isn’t movie. But when you’ve hit an all time hangover low and your memories of the night before embarrass you and cause you to hide under your blanket in self-loathing, Zack Braff and company can coax you out gently. They hold you and tell you everything is going to be al right. They pick the puke out of your hair, and wash the pubes off your face, stuck there from passing out on the bathroom floor yet again. They can be your best hang over friends and remind you that other people drink Appletini’s to.

I choose the 2nd season because it has that kick ass episode of Colin Hay singing “over kill” I know this doesn’t have any violence or naked chicks, but really, who wouldn’t want to bang Sarah Chalke. She is just too geeky hot for her own good. You know what they say about geeky chicks right? Go find yourself one and find out.

There is nothing more soothing than a chocolate bear and Dr. Cox telling it like it is. Ah, they make me feel like I actually have friends and my head doesn’t hurt so much anymore

EXTRA EXTRA! Here is a blip of that Colin Hay video – - – -

You’re welcome.

2. Old School

What can I say about this classic that hasn’t been said already? This is one of the funniest movies of all time. Will Ferrell simply kicks ass. Vince Vaughn owns. Luke Wilson is a hero. I want to go out in a tub of lube with naked chicks like Blue does. I want to live my life in their basement getting wasting watching Girls Gone Wild and chucking beer bottles at the wall dressed only in my puke and fart stained bathrobe. Their house is like sanctuary for all things manly.

Please God, please let me come back and live in this movie forever over and over again. I too want to gang bang Juliet Lewis. I want to shoot Frank the Tank with a horse tranquilizer. Shit, ill even wear the big purple dinosaur outfit the afro kid hates. Ill shake my tail with pride, as long as I was high and got to hang out with these guys.

Every time I watch this movie I feel better about myself. I feel better about life. I feel like a champion in a land of retards. I feel like I could do shot put. In fills me full of vigor and promise, that soon a new day will rise and we can all safely act like drunken assholes, get mad pussy, live like dirt balls and be successful at anything we choose. This is a tale of hope and destiny for us all.

I recommend a bong hit before every time you watch it. Pure hangover heaven.

1 Roadhouse

This is the greatest hangover movie of all time. There is nothing that comes close to this . it kicks so much ass even the pussy French like. (Proof is in the French Roadhouse poster I found.)

Dalton is small but whips the fuck out of everyone. He is the best in the business at kicking ass in bars. He has a degree in philosophy and that philosophy is kicking ass,

He also bangs the hot doctor in his barn apartment, She has nice tits. He kicks more asses. We get to see a strip dance from a great blonde who epitomizes what hot 80’s ass should look like. Dumb, blonde, big boobs and loves to fuck. Also she has kick ass bangs. Jersey mall bangs. She even does Jazzercise.

Could this movie kick any more ass? Why yes it could. It even has Sam Elliot, he is manliest man this side of Chuck Norris. He is the oldest most kick ass bouncer in the land and can drink you and your grandmother under the table. To top it off there is even a monster truck scene where the big truck smashes a bunch of cars. This makes Dalton want to kick more ass. More you ask for? How about a mullet guy getting his throat ripped out. Oh yea that’s in there to. Did I mention there is a blind guy-playing guitar as well. Blind guys playing instruments kick ass

This movie kicks so much ass that even the IMDB description of the movie kicks ass

“Dalton lives like a loner, fights like a professional. And loves like there’s no tomorrow. Dalton’s the best bouncer in the business. His nights are filled with fast action, hot music and beautiful women. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.”

Nothing better for a hangover than tits and ass kicking. Nothing.

Except maybe a blow job…. a blowjob and Roadhouse… now that would really kick ass.

There you have it. My top 5 hangover movies.

I have also listed a few for honorable mention in no order, just movies I like when I am hurting.

Please add more

True Romance
Goonies
Ferris bueller’s day off
Harold and Maude
Big Trouble in little China.
Half Baked.
The Die Hard Trilogy