This laughing German midget rules. I know I know I have a problem. I have a bad obsession with midgets. They are so much goddamn fun. I have said it before and I will say it again, I find them to be lucky as well as a good cure for depression. Try watching this little fucker with out feeling better. He’s very hypnotic and better than Prozac!
Bonus, this German midget has a pet camel. I really like his camel.
The Hulkster is going to host a new version of American Gladiators. This is awesome. What a fantastic mash up of 80’s icons. It could be that I’m just a sucker for the 80’s and the Hulkster, but I’m pretty sure everyone everywhere will agree this totally kicks ass.
You know it’s nice to be at an age when remakes are happening, you remember the original and it doesn’t seem that long ago. It brings you back to a simpler time when there was only Nintendo, Double Dare, The Beastie Boys and once a month, Saturday Night’s Main Event with the Hulkster ripping the shreds out of people
Hearing this news I want to do a remake of myself. Take one weekend and egg some houses. Maybe sneak out of the house and drink beer, really shitty beer like Bush. Do it under a bridge with the local hard rocker chick. Maybe I could play hide and go sneak but with paint guns in a suburban neighborhood. I don’t know, it’s all very exciting.
I do know that I am excited to see Hulk-a-mania run wild over you on a television soon. Kicking ass American Gladiator style. I just hope he doesn’t bring his wife or kids on. They suck.
I went to a birthday party on Saturday night. I was a pretty good party I’d have to say. Full of nice people. Nice food, nice dresses. Shit everything was pretty nice. Better than completely sucking. I was kind of hoping for a big breakdown or a chick fight or something to break up the monotony of this nice party, alas nothing happened. I double dipped some of the nice food in the nice dip and watched as some nice looking girl gave me a not so nice face. Ha, fuck her. I tripled dipped just to be not so nice.
(Ah… lost my train of thought. Had to go chase my crazy Aunt Mary’s asshole Chihuahua. I hate that fucking dog. Luckily for my aunt the dog was okay. I was secretly hoping for it to be run over by a mail truck.)
I digress. So anyhoo, in order to have a nice time I figured it was best to suck down about three beers before I even started to try and interact with all of these nice people.
I spied with my little eye, a group of my friends in the corner sitting on silly plastic orange chairs that were supposed to be hip. I dug them, but I hate it when furniture is trying hard to be hip and I also hate it when furniture is hipper and dressed better than me. At least there was a place to sit. Unfortunately the only place to sit was on the bitch seat in the couch, right in the middle between a girl and a guy. They waved me over so there was really nothing I could do but sit and see if my conversation skills were up to par this evening. My buddy next to me started talking about gambling, fights, football, blood, and chicks. Good ‘ol fashioned guy stuff. He wasn’t very nice and I liked it.
The next thing I know the group around us had left. I’ve been told I have aloud voice and I very well might have said a couple of choice words and sentences that may have been scene as uncalled for. Or there was cocaine in the bathroom. I’m not sure which. I’d say it was a 50/50 bet. Then something very weird happened. I realized that my buddy and me were the only two on the couch and I was still sitting in the middle right next to him. How very gay. AHHHHhhh.
I jumped quickly to the other side of the couch. “Sorry” I said. “I was feeling a little weird, all up on you like that” “Wow, your right” he replied, “I didn’t even realize the spot had opened up next to you, thanks for moving”
That was a close call. We both agreed it’s never good to sit right next to another man if it can be helped.
The conversation then turned in to the rules that every guy should know.
Such as:
You have to ask your buddy if it’s cool to go out with some chick he dated. He’ll never say no for fear of looking like a softy girly man. If you do it with out asking you are a snake and have broken a man rule and should be shot. Ask, and you get out Scott free. You win. But be careful, as it will come back to you at some point.
Another rule we discussed was going to the movies with a guy. Whoever is first in line buys the tickets, and then the other guy has to get the sodas and candy. It’s pretty much a wash financially, but it keeps us from looking like cheap assholes as well as not looking like we are on a date.
When sitting in a theater you must, at all costs, get a place to sit that has a seat in the middle of you. Let me repeat, there must be one chair between you. There is no substitute. If there is not an available chair you then must exit the theater and head straight to a bar with no words being said.
I went to the movies with a buddy a couple of months ago and he sat next to me in an empty theater. I did my job and explained to him the rules of going to the movies and you cannot sit right next to another man. He felt stupid, as he should have and moved over. He held his head down in shame thinking of al the movies he went to and made people feel weird. I’m here to help
The rest of the party was a blur. But it was nice to know there are others out there like me that understand these things. It made me feel very nice.
It’s late in the day and I have to go play bocce soon. More man rules coming up. I want this to be larger column soon. Please send me some of your thoughts for man rules. I would like to compile a big list. Just put them on here as a comment or email them to me.
Cheers!
JYAG
