I was digging through old files this morning and found this retarded list of things i hate when they happen to me. Or just things i hate that could happen to me… Just things i hate in general. Or things other people hate and told me at some point If i remember correctly i was going to turn this in to a book and realized it was annoying, I thought instead of letting this glorious list go to waste i thought i would share it with you. So here you have my list titled:
I hate when that happens.
subtitled :
(I pooped in your toilet and
it just won’t go down.)
1. You call your new lover your old lovers name in bed
2. when your in a public restroom and you realize there is no toilet paper
3. when you’ve been on hold for 1/2 an hour when you finally get through the battery on your phone dies
4. when the first time you have sex with someone you last 8 sec
5. when you pull in to get gas and realize the gas tank is on the other side of the car
6. you unexpectedly have to meet someone’s parents and your drunk
7. standing in front of a group of people to give a speech and when your done someone tells you your fly is open
8. You poop in some ones toilet and it doesn’t go down
9. You slap your friend on the butt the hardest you can and they turn around and you don’t recognize them.
10. When you get pulled over by a female cop and call her sir.
11. you are on a date and you choke on your food and have to get the Heimlich maneuver
12. You go go grocery shopping of the month and get everything you need and after everything is bagged up you go to pay and realize you have no money or credit cards with you and to top it off right behind you in line is someone you kind of know and you look like an even bigger chump
13. you think your going to slip out a little fart and you poop your pants
14. You hit a bump in the road on your way to work and spill coffee all over yourself
15. You get the last level on a video game and the power goes out.
16. Nobody else can go by your schedule
17. When a store has an open sign on it and you go to the door and its closed.
18. When the only ATM around for miles is out of money.
19. When you go to fill your gas tank up and the pump handle does not have one of those latch things so you have to stand there and hold it the entire time
20. When i stub my toe.
21. When i wash my hair and it “fros out and people say i look like a young Gary Busey.
23. When i crack my knuckles and one won’t pop
24. When my dogs tail knocks my drink over.
25. When i get my paycheck and see how much of my money goes to taxes
26. When i pick my nose at a stop light and look over to see a couple of kids laughing at me
27. When i spill red wine on somebody else’s carpeting
28. When my cd skips in the middle of my favorite song while im singing along
29. Bands i like become mainstream
30. I loan my friends money and they never mention it again.
31 When your in the middle of an in-depth conversation with someone and you don’t have any idea who they are or what their name is and they know everything about you.
32. When you take a slug of your beer and its somebody else’s spit bottle full of chew.
33. When there are lots of open seats at the movie theater and somebody sits right next to you.
34. When you have to explain to people your ex-girlfriend is a lesbian.
35. You get busted checking out another guys wife.
36. When you finally met somebody you like and they leave town the next week.
37. When someone does a hand shake that you don’t know.
38. when your trying to cross the street and the traffic clears in one direction only to be filled coming the other way.
39. When you make a call on your cell phone and hold it up to your ear only to realize after a a minute you never hit the send button
40. When you call somebody and get there machine and they call you back and cant get through because you are leaving a message. something like that
41. when something costs $5.01 and the cashier won’t spot you the penny
42. when people stop in the middle of the sidewalk for no apparent reason.
43. You want to bang a chick but she’s on the rag and or you find out she has the herpes
44. when you’re carry on bag does not fit in the overhead compartment.
47. When you can not get motivated to do anything at all.
48. when you get caught in a lie in front of a lot of people.
49. When you answer a call that says unavailable and its your student loan officer wanting your late payment.
50. When you put water your tooth brush before you put it in your mouth and it knocks your toothpaste off.
51. When you drink orange juice after you brush your teeth
52. All of the TV station show commercials at the same time.
53. Your cellphone company doesn’t tell your going over your minutes.
54. When you spit up and you get that throw up taste in your mouth especially when your on a date.
55. When the waiter hits on your girlfriend.
56. When your Ex wife has a better lawyer than you.
57. When you ask a women how long she has been pregnant and she gives you a nasty look and says she isn’t.
58. When you get drunk in public and throw temper tantrum in front of a bunch of people and you have to call and apologize the next day.
59. When your cell phone accidentally calls you mom and she hears you talking about the butt sex you had the night before
60. When you phone rings in the morning and you answer trying to pretend like your awake.
61. When you take to many drugs over the weekend and you want to kill yourself by tuesday.
63. When somebody gets you a christmas present and you didn’t get them anything.
64. When your penis gets caught in your zipper
65. when you take someone out to dinner and forget your wallet.
66. Price checks on tampons
67. When the your favorite section of the sunday paper is missing.
68. When everyone keeps telling you how hot your mom is.
69. When your cut your pubic area while shaving
70. When other people poop at your house.
71. When people assume that you are gay
74. When a girl says your car is cute.
75. when your in a room with a bunch of people you used to sleep
with and their all talking with each other.
77. When you can remember all the verses to diarrhea song.
78. When the cast aways almost get off the island but Gillians screws it up again.
79. when someone says you look just like some ugly actor.
80. when you best friend is a cock sucking pig face
81. when you do all the work and your friend takes half the credit.
82. When your cell phone doesnt work and you try to email them and they tell you to call from a land line.
83. When the person next to you on the plane weighs 365lbs and spills over on to you.
84. when you go to work on your day off and screw up the project you’re working on.
85. When you breast feed the wrong child
86. When you get on an elvator with one other perosn going all the way to the top and you have horrible gas.
87. When the only cash machine for miles is out of cash.
88. When you answer the other line and its a telemarketer and when you click back over you lose your call.
89. When its your birthday and nobody remembers
90. when your boat is running slow and you look underneath to realize you forgot to take it off your trailer.
91. When no matter what you say , you come off like an asshole
92. When you owe taxes
93. When your on a road trip and the only station you can the is soft rock ballads hosted by that annoying lady Delila
94. When you get caught checking sombody out.
95. When someone walks in the bathroom when your wiping your butt.
96 When your sober and everyone esle is drunk
97. when your drunk and everyone else is sober.
98.When you on the phone with someone and they are obvisouly occupied with something other that talking to you.
99. When you think your going fart and you poop – “gambled and lost”
100. When I get yelled at by people i don’t know
101. When someone knocks on the door when im having a wank
Hmmm. I just read these myself and i don’t remember remember writing half of them.. maybe i stole them from someone.. I might have asked people for examples a while back or i could have just been drunk. My short term memory ,or lack there of i should say, is not bringing back any memories of significance. I hate when that happens
