Apologies for the lack of content this week. I have been caught up in dinner parties, Christmas parties, booze, drugs, and a British girl that warmed a bit of frost off my icicle clad heart. Weird, because I hate the British.
After I sober up from the holidays and take off my dirty elf outfit ill be back on full force.
Merry Christmas bastards
JYAG
Lately I have been bored. I am looking to shake things a up a bit. I’ve been thinking that the best thing for me is to get a new job. I’m not very good at anything marketable. I smell a little weird and I hate wearing shoes. Maybe that’s why I smell weird… Hmm. Ill have to look in to that one. Besides all that I could be a really great employee for somebody.
I do have some requirements for me to accept any posisition, no matter what the pay. I only ask that I can work at my leisure, ill get it done when it’s ready to be done and it will be better than anything ever because everything I do is amazing and better than the other people around me.
Booze. For me to work for you drinking will have to be okay after lunch and I get to take my one hitter everywhere that I go. Its not that I want to be a raging drunk all day, I just work better between different buzzes. For me coffee pot and beer keep me a constant level of sanity. If it takes one of these things out I start throwing my own feces at the wall and screaming out Natalie Portman quotes from The Professional. I must be quietly self-medicated or bad bad things can happen. Hey, you might think this sounds crazy, but at least I’m letting you know before hand. You could have gambled and lost big time. With me you know what your getting right off the bat.
I think that’s about it for now. Oh yes, if a position is open that involves having secretary and/or an assistant I get to choose my own. Most likely it wll be a midget man i willname Midget.
Costumes will also be mandatory and on Friday. Also, everyone has to play with remote control things and do whip its once a month at an undisclosed location.
If you cannot agree to these things, than don’t bother I wont last anyways. If you can, please email me. together we can do great things
This is amazing. Amazing. What a treasure and a gift to receive on this glorious morning. Violently hung over from cheap wine, my right arm hurting from a late night stint of Wii bowling with two strange polish girls I thought today was going to suck. Glory is, I opened my email to this wonderful video of tards and my hangover faded away, my arm hurt less and I felt loved. A singing retard video will do that to ya.
Admittedly I am also dramatically increased my chances of having a fucked up Mongoloid child by again laughing at retards, handicappers, balls and singing. It’s just so much damn fun. If karma works out right and I am blessed with a tard child. Ill make my “special” kid do this stuff to. What good is having a retarded kid if you cant laugh at it?
Oh well, your laughing to.
See you guys in hell.
Okay, this video is an oldie but a goodie, but I love it. My old man friend Buzz has just discovered youtube.com. Good ‘old Buzz was asking around the bar for funny things to search for. I immediately blurted out. “Monkey sex.” It’s the first thing I think of when asked about funny videos. I mean really, what’s more fun then monkeys? What’s funnier than sex? Together monkey sex is just down right the funniest thing in the entire fucking world.
Being the strange old goat that Buzzy is, he to found it hysterical and laughed with great might at the silly fucking monkeys. He really liked it when the little monkey plays with the large man monkey’s sack. I think he might have been a little jealous.
I then showed him the joys of youporn.com as well as the blowjob talents of Heather Brooke.Buzz declared the Internet a great invention and then ordered a rare steak and all was well with the world
Here are a couple thoughts on the current movies I have seen. When it comes to movies, I am always right, so take my reviews to heart as I will save your soul.
The Mist.
Stupid fucking movie. Don’t waste your time with this crap shit unless you feel like getting kicked in the sack. I have a hard time believing that this “film” came from the guy that made The Shawshank Redemption. Then again this dude also made “The Majestic.” If I could have my 2hrs back I would take it. Also, if I ever get the opportunity to meet the director I am going to punch him in the nose at half speed, just enough to make him bleed for putting his audience through one of the meanest, down right vicious endings ever. Stupid fucking movie
No Country For Old Men.
This movie ruled. Plain and simple awesome filmmaking. The pacing, the acting, the cinematic choices through out every scene made this one of my favorite movies of the year. This is not your feel good, date movie, everything in the world is chipper kind of movie . This film looks into the pure greed, stubbornness, and the morality of human nature that makes up all of us. The characters bring forth such a conviction in their actions, all made believable by pinpoint direction and an acting craft straight from the heart. Plus the bad guy in it is a fucking awesome. He is the baddest of bad asses with church bell sized balls.
I don’t want to give much of the lot away for those that did not see it. So just go and enjoy a dark time at the moves that will make you feel good you did. When your purchasing your ticket and “The Mist” is palying there, tell it to go fuck it’s self.
Bonus DVD review: I saw “Super Bad” again the other night. Laughed my ass off. Get it. Get a little stoned. Watch it. Laugh. It rules.
Ah yes, middle America at its best. Here is a prime example of what is wrong with our country. Here are some parents enjoying the fact that their daughter sounds like she says a derogatory term about black folks. What do they do? Reprimand her? No. Teach her it’s not good to talk like this? No way. Try and correct her? Of course not. Ignore it so she does not think it’s a good thing to do? Fuck no. They encourage her and egg her on while laughing at the genius they are creating. Is it wrong? Yes. Did I laugh my ass off at it? Absolutely. If my kid said silly stuff like that, would I condone it or laugh at it in my house, film it and put it on you tube for all to enjoy?
Probably.
The other night magic happened. A group of women came to see me at my bar after going to a benefit party for the local women clinic. Needless to say they were in a sisterhood Oprahish mood, sort of bonding as women and such. How they needed to get together more for girls nights, how much men suck and are sooo stupid. Blah blah, crap shit crap shit.
I was enjoying a vodka and Coke, a slow bar besides the Oprah chicks and I was kicking back watching some reruns of UFC. The only attention I got was a request to change the channel, which I ignored. Piss off fuckers, it’s my bar. I assumed my night was going to go down hill from there. Then from left field, or should I say the side door a random Spanish mariachi type band came strolling through. Is this a dream? I pinched myself. Nope it was real! Six of them in total, dressed to the nines in matching outfits. They strummed away, jumping up and down clicking their heels and serenading the ladies in the way only Latin men can.
All of the sudden the women bonding came to an end as the Spanish band wrangled the fun out of the women. In no time the guys had them dancing, smiling and more importantly buying more drinks and paying attention to me. MY buddy Al, a retired yacht guy strolled in, his hair slicked back with greasy kid stuff and his wallet opened to fund the ladies, the mariachis and me. We sat back and watched as the night slowly turned in to PG 13 drunken debauchery.
I wish I could say I got laid, it turned in to a wet t-shirt contest or a midget came in a really g t things wild. Alas, dancing Oprah chicks, Latin musicians and a greasy haired yachty was all the night had in store. I was cool with that.
Who knew a bunch of Spanish guys in matching out fits could be so much damn fun.
I remember when Christmas was exciting. You know when you were a little kid and all you hoped for was cool stuff underneath the tree. I remember some of my all time favorite presents, like my badass BMX bike, the sweet red Rosingnol down hill skies, my first Nintendo complete with Super Mario Brothers. That stuff kicked ass
Christmas was a magical time then, you were off from school, had no responsibility, and it was all about getting stuff and not doing anything but eating cookies. You didn’t have to worry about getting other people crap either. Your mom took care of picking out presents for your relatives and all you had to do was sign your name. Watching people open the presents I “gave” them was just as exciting for me, I was curious to see what I got them. It was a gay ‘ol time for all. Yes, Christmas ruled then
As time has gone on and the older I get i have begun to hate Christmas. I suck at it. I hate things I suck at. You see, I am a taker and I am not good at buying presents for others. I just cannot be bothered. I liked to eat but I cannot make cookies, so I just wait until people bring me some. I really don’t like eggnog. I know I’m supposed to, but really that’s stuff is nasty. When people try and make me drink it I frown at them as hard as I can. I also get kind of creeped out at Christmas parties, people smile too much and are too nice to me. I’m not good at returning the favor. When groups break out in to Christmas Carols I tend to get violent. I also find Santa to be kind of scary. He looks like a hillbilly in his underwear with his wee beady eyes. I wouldn’t want to run in to him in a prison shower. Like I said, I’m just not good at it. Not my thing.
So this Christmas i’m going to try to like it. Go back to the way things were when I truly enjoyed it. I’ll Pretend I’m a little kid again (drugs should help. ) I’m taking two weeks off , my winter vacation if you will, and I’m not doing nothing. People will bring me cool presents and yummy cookies because they feel like they have to. Tis the season as they say.. Fuck the eggnog, give to me the scotch. My moms got some good presents for you I swear. Just don’t smile at me. Please give me my gifts, my cookies, my scotch and move along. It’s my day. And for Christ’s sake don’t sing carols near me..
Merry Christmas
I have heard of weird hobbies before and I am known to have a few myself. But this one befuddled me. During this joyess time of year, hooligans run around placing Christmas deer in dirty sexy sexual positions and take pictures of them. The horror! What about the children! This is simply un-American. It must be the work of Muslims. Nothing else could explain the audacity of Christmas deer doing it.
It even made urbandictionary.com
~Deer humping
The act of going out at night around Christmas and taking the little fake deer made out of Christmas lights and placing them so that they look like they are partaking in sexual intercourse
“Dude, last night I went deer humping and hit twelve houses!!!”
I now know what I’m doing tonight. Look out local lawn light animals with a Christmas spirit. I am coming for you. Thank you Muslims. You are funny people with great ideas for abusing lawn animals.
Last night one of my friends reminded me i have an obsession with midgets. I realized I had not put up a midget video in a while. So i dug up this oldie but a goodie, Midget Michael Jackson! Enjoy his funky midget moves.
