MY NERDNESS BIRTHS MEAT WAGON

I always knew I was a geek. Been one since I was a child. It started with my obsession of Spiderman, transformers, choose your own adventure novels and preferring to stay in my room with my imaginary friends who lived in my stuffed animals and going on adventures in far off places where I would slaughter monsters and save princesses. Not much has changed. I am still a geek, just a 32 year old geek, from my collection of Lego’s, a crack like addiction of the UFC, to my love of bad B horror movies, kung fu movies, Kirsten Dunst movies and love of staying home and watching reruns of I <3 New York proves i’m a little touched. I’m still hoping to save a princess one-day. I have slayed a few monsters in my time, if you catch my drift.

My current geekdom reached new heights this weekend with 3 days filled with activities to make any nerd proud. As stated in my last post, my nerd buddy and I drove 4 hours to catch the 3D IMAX version of Beowulf. (Side note: IMAX was at the science museum I was stoked to check out the meusum until I got there and it was filled with children and families. Even the toilets were low. I was weirded out, so we went to a bar and slammed a few beers. Some how we met one of the guys from Spyro Gyro. I guess they were famous. He was super wasted and kept touching my back, but it was much better than the children and families at the science museum.) Back to the movie- it rocked and kicked ass so hard we were speechless. My review of this movie is simply just to experience it. I cannot give it justice with words. It’s like trying to explain sex to someone who has never had it. Go see this and you will feel like you have blown a load. The problem of blowing your load at a movie 4 hours away from home is afterwards you just want to go to sleep. So we skipped on the late night clubs filled with booze and women and a few monsters to head back home.

A side stop took us to a full moon party on the beach, chicks, booze, drugs, bands and a heck of a good time. Thing was, I had blown my load at a movie and had no mojo. I couldn’t participate in the fun with normal people so I watched from the outside like all good nerds should. I would need more Jaeger to be one with this event. My buddy and I looked at each other and decided it was best to leave the normal people and continue our drive. Plus we were having a wonderful conversation about Neil Gamin books. Who needs a beach party filled with chicks?

The next day I awoke with a plan. It was time to congregate all the nerds I was friends with and have nerd day. We needed an excuse, a plan, an activity that we could rally around. I picked up my laptop, which conveniently was located next to me in bed. (Never now when your going to need Youporn.com) and clicked on CNN – low and behold there was review for Rock Band. The new video game that was supposed to kick Guitar Hero in the butt and rule the universe. Yes! Glory be! I had found our calling. A few phone calls later, the geeks arrived and we were on our way to the store and picking up our new toy. Kick ass, we were going to be a virtual band.

Direction tossed out the window we plugged in and Meat Wagon was born.

What is Meat Wagon you ask? It is a state of mind, a way of life, a religion if you will. It also our Rock Band name. We are geeks rocking out at home and becoming one with our geekdom.

Get your self a band, be your own meat. Own it, love it, live it

WE ARE MEAT WAGON!! Bringing home the bacon suckas

The force is strong in this one!

It’s a beautiful Saturday morning, the sun is shinning and the weather is sweet. Everybody will be outside enjoying the afternoon in the park, coffe outside cafe’s, maybe even throw a football around with the family. Me, I’m driving 4hours to see a movie with my fellow nerdish type buddy. Yes, a movie, Beowulf in IMAX 3D. Kick fucking major ass it should.

I am a nerd and I am proud. I do have good camouflage and not many people realize how strong the nerdness is inside of me. Once in a blue moon you meet other nerds in normal folk clothing. Then something weird happens, maybe someone slips out, a Star Wars reference, a Neil Gamin book, or that they happen to want to stay home and play Guitar Hero rather than going to the strip club. The next thing you know we compare nerd knowledge and quickly become BFF. We are out there, there are many of us and we are strong.

I will delve in to the nerdnesss in camouflage topic when I get, back plus my review of Beowulf, right now my fellow nerd is outside honking the horn. We are leaving early so we can go race go carts and play video games before the movie. I have to find my favorite Flash T Shirt so I have to run

A good day have you all.

I am thankful for Chuck Norris

For Thanksgiving, i give to you as many Chuck Norris jokes as i can find. He is a true American and he makes us all look like pussy commies. If only all of us could be as bad ass as Chuck.

There can be only one.

enjoy
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Gobble Gobble

It’s thanksgiving and I love it. The day has a wonderful history filled with food, drinks, and cheating Indians out of land for useless trinkets. Somehow over the years it has become a gluteness day of celebration with food, drink, football and trying to forget the Indians who got screwed out of land for useless trinkets and now run casinos. Ahh yes, a true American holiday.

Today I will put on my largest jeans, a loose belt, and stop by as many houses in my neighborhood as possible to eat everybody else’s turkey. The hardest part of the day will be to try not to mention 2 girls, 1 cup. .

Have your self a good gobble gobble

<3 JYAG

My leg vibrates sometimes

I keep my cell phone on vibrate. I do this mostly because I hate the stupid ring tones and cuteness that goes with it. I think ring tones are just to show off and make other people judge you by how cool, obscure or hip your ring tone is. Stupid stupid. Me, I stick with vibrate. It makes life easy. If was a chick it might give me extra pleasure. I keep hoping it will though.

Lately I have been leaving my phone at home, not charging it or forgetting it places. Sometimes I feel as if it’s my nemesis. The weird part is I always think my phone is vibrating in my pocket even when its not there. I think I have trained my leg to vibrate when I’m thinking of calling someone or it just starts vibrating for no apparent reason at all. I’m always grabbing my thigh and nothing is there. No phone, no Ipod, nothing to vibrate but my leg. I am beginning to worry that I am getting old and I am having spasms or something. Maybe this is an early sign of Alzheimer’s or Lou Gerick’s or lepercy. Shit, I don’t want any of those things. I’m not sure if it’s that technology sucks or if getting old does. Am I vibrating from getting old or am I just as easily influenced as Pavlov’s dogs? Is that my phone vibrating? Nope, Just a leg spasm.

I wonder if I am the only one with this problem. Maybe it’s an epidemic that crossing the nation, yet no one wants to talk about it. It’s scary to think we have trained our thighs to vibrate for no reason. I wish I could train other parts of my body to vibrate at will, like my nuts. That would be great. I would be a beast in the bed with my vibrating nuts. I wonder if it would tickle. Hmm.

i am very sorry, but i just can not stop.

Wow, people are awesome. Just when I think I am all alone in the world with my love for 2 girls 1 cup, out comes a wonderful acoustic song all about it. I will try not to mention this video anymore. It’s just that there are to many fun things out there about it. The fascination is wonderful and life changing. Never have I seen a poop video affect the world like this. I hope someday I can take a poop that has this kind of effect

“She’s covered in vomit and human feces, that’s how I know she needs me.”

What a great line, in fact one of the greatest lines in the history of song writing.

Oscar De La Tranny?

What the heck Oscar? Some chick he was banging behind his wife’s back released these photos of Oscar dressing up like a lady. He looks a little to comfortable in the lacey getup and shoes. For some reason I’m getting the feeling this is not the first time in drag for Oscar. I am baffled at what to think of this. This guy can kick your ass and like to wear high heels. Strange. I would love to see him fight in that outfit. Now that would pump some life back in to boxing and guarantee some sick pay per view sales. Maybe the ring girls could be the chicks from 2 girls 1 cup (I promise I will try not mentioning them anymore. It’s just they are to much fun.) The best part of it is for some reason the chick that took the pictures is suing Oscar for 100 million. Is she mentally scarred from seeing Oscar dressed like a tyranny? If that is that case I want in on that lawsuit. I am pretty disturbed myself.

Joe Rogan Watches “2 girls 1 cup”

Joe is one of my hero’s and I wish I had his career minus Fear Factor. Never really a fan of that show. Joe does appreciate the finer things in life, such as disgusting Internet videos. In case you did not know, “2 girls 1 cup” is the latest gross out nasty video going around the web. I do not recommend watching it, as these images of girls eating poo will be stuck in your head forever. They say curiosity killed the cat, well; I’m a giant pussy and dead a few times over if that’s the case. Below is a video of Joe watching the video. I believe he is high as hell. He talks about some other nasty videos, like the one where a horse bangs some dude to death and some S & M ball cutting and/or chopping video. All in all, it just made me giggle. My new favorite quote is “how much cocaine do you think they had to give those girls to make them eat shit?” Priceless.

Ps. i really don’t want to post the actual video here. If you want to see the actual video here is the link. Have fun!

www.2girls1cup.com/

I <3 the Japanese

I love how they come up with the strangest ways to entertain themselves. In this lovely video, contestants run against a treadmill to reach “the goal.” I found myself cheering for the suit guy. I almost started to chant “Rudy”

Loo loo loo

I’ve been uninspired the past couple of days. I cannot seem to make fun of anything. Lost my mojo for commenting on crap. I’m really not sure why. I’ve been drinking, smoking and screwing as well as playing a little bocce. All is good in the land of Just Your Average Guy. I guess I need to shake something up, piss on someone’s breakfast, run over a retard or do something to spice things up a bit around here.

I was taking a leak a moment ago and I realized I play this weird game of flushing the toilet at the exact moment that when it finishes flushing I am done taking a pee. It’s a test of accuracy and timing. I don’t know when or why I started doing this, but now I can’t seem to stop. I started to think of it as a sport and it dawned on me that there should be bathroom Olympics. Biggest poo, longest pee, best aim, best cursive in the snow, fastest shaver.., best pubes…The list is endless and quite frankly not going anywhere. It sounded good at the time.

Oh well, I’m off to an early happy hour looking for inspiration in a beer bottle. Irony is in the air as the lady next door is whistling, “If I only had a brain” by the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. Timing is everything.