I <3 Bacon

Bacon is the greatest invention of meat ever in the history of the world. It makes everything better. I mean really, what is better than bacon? Well, maybe a blowjob… but wouldn’t a blowjob be better if you got to eat bacon at the same time? I think so. I must try this some how. Boy that would be an interesting conversation

JYAG, “Hey, do you mind if when you’re blowing me I eat some delicious bacon?”

Cool chick giving head “Sure! Bacon makes everything better!”

JYAG responds with a greasy smile, “Would you marry me?”

Dare to dream.

If I own a bar, or I should say when I own a bar I am not going to serve peanuts at the bar or pretzels. No no no. I will have jars of fresh bacon for people to enjoy. I will have the best bacon bar in the city. I could even garnish martinis with little classy strips from a famous bacon spot somewhere in Europe. I’m sure there is one somewhere. It will require research, but a hunt for the best European bacon is a challenge I am willing to provide my customers with the top kind of swine they deserve. I am a great man.

How many ways does bacon rule? There are to many to count, but here are a few off of the top of my head.

! Bacon goes well on a sandwich

2. A fantastic addition to a healthy breakfast

3 Bacon gives you super greasy hands that are fun to lick and wipe on your pants.

4.Bacon Cures depression

5. Bacon provides great meat days at the bar I like to call ” swine and wine” (I stole that form a girl named Erin.) She has nice boobs.”

6. Bacon’s fun to eat alone.

7.Bacon is fun to share with friends

8.Bacon the best side dish at any restaurant.

9.Bacon cures hangovers

10. Bacon kicks the shit out of sausage.

11.Bacon makes pizza ore exciting than usual

12. Bacon wraps around things easily, like dates and nuts making them tasty

13 Bacon is fun to eat with a toothpick

14. Bacon sounds cool when it’s cooking in grease.

15. Bacon starts out small and then shrivels up when it cooks. Like a shrinky dink or like my wiener after the 2min of bliss I provide the lucky women who sleep with me.

16. Bacon makes you house smell good.

17.Bacon comes in many variations and styles.

I’m sure there are several more reasons bacon rules, but it’s all I can think of and now after all of this bacon talk i’m going to make myself a bacon treat. Nothing like bacon in the afternoon to clam the nerves and sooth the soul.

Go enjoy yourself some bacon

ps. i forgot Bacon is the last name of Kevin. He is kind of cool. Not as cool as he should be with a last name like bacon. All the good names are wasted on stupid people

sorry

been on a hell of a bender. My only excuse is it involved costumes, drugs, drinks, chicks and a float. that i am am a lazy bastard.

love you, see you on mondy

please send vicodin

JYAG

Smile you son of a….

While was watching CNN today, they had a story about a giant fish being caught. It was a huge fucking shark. I watched the video as the “dangerous” beast was hauled up from the water with a bunch of rope with the help a few red neck north Florida guys to the cheers of an adoring crowd. All I could think of is if I was a shark I would eat more people.

Screw humans, we are assholes. You don’t see a bunch of sharks cheering when the get a limb of a swimmer or the leg of a surfer. They don’t make a big deal about it they just chomp and leave. Looking into the Shark’s eyes I felt bad for him. He looked hurt and sad. All this shark was doing was being a shark and eating fish. He’s not a monster, he’s just a shark. It would have been fairer if it was one on one it the water and the dude had a spear gun with no help from other rednecks. Then it would have been something to cheer for. (I also believe we should arm deer with high powered rifles to make it true sport. Maybe we could give ducks some grenades to spice it up a bit) Deep down I was hoping the giant shark would jet to life and rip the face off of one of the red necks before he croaked. One last hurrah before he died. That would have been a good video.

One thing I know is karma is a bitch. To all of you goons cheering the murder of this glorious beast be wary, pay back is a motherfucker. I’d stay out of the water if I were you. Next time you’re swimming out by your self in the red neck Rivera remember that Youtube.com goes along ways. I heard they are expanding to the sea. Word is there is a big market in advertising to fish. So don’t be surprised with this shark’s badass pissed off family is waiting for you. They want to eat your legs arms and face leaving you a faceless glop of a bloody stump for other rednecks to point and laugh at. Your only profession would be to work at a freak show in the south were little redneck kids would pay a dollar to scream at your squishy lump of a face. The shark would leave your ears so you could hear all the incestual laughter at your expense. (I heard sharks are huge fans of the Princess Bride.) Doubt me? There is a reason sharks have been around for millions of years and will be around longer than our asses. They’re cunning, smart and patient and they don’t need a crowd of cheering red necks to do some damage.

Ps. No, I’m not a vegetarian, I eat lots of meat and fish. But I don’t cheer at it. And I do not kill things for sport. I know a lot of people do and I don’t take anything away from them; this was just a little over the top. Plus killing things that can kill you can only come back to haunt you. I’m sticking to eating cows. They don’t have teeth and they don’t watch Youtube.

Just a thought…

I just got back from the beach and I was wondering if there is anything less comfortable than having sand up the crack of your ass… The funny part is I am realizing it while I’m sitting at my desk typing. One would think I would just take a shower. No, I feel the need to tell you about it. I got issues.

Not Your Average Guy

I am just your average guy. Nothing more than your average drunken douche bag who likes to make asinine comments on silly ass things. I use about 30% of what I’m capable of. The rest of my 70% of capability is used up by drinking, drugs, girls and just plain laziness. I’m a follower, not a leader. I blame no one but myself and I’m cool with that most of the time. I do however have heroes. People who are not average, people who excel and push themselves beyond average. They go the extra mile, work harder, play harder and give it all, 100% to everything, all of the time to everything, always. They have no excuses

Randy Couture is my hero for these reasons. He makes me want to be a better man. Why am I talking about him you ask? He quit the UFC today and it brought a little tear to my eye. He was their heavyweight champion, an announcer and an ambassador of the sport. His record is not great at 16-8, but he always gives it his all in victory and defeat, never makes an excuse and fights with a beautiful balance of his head and his heart. At 44 years old he is still the underdog in ever single fight and comes out and makes magic. Sure there are lots of talented sports heroes out there but this guy was and is something else. He is what we all could be if we tried our hardest.

He retired form the UFC for a multitude of reasons, the foremost being he was not going to be able to fight the #1 heavyweight in the world Fedor, because the UFC could not sign him. Randy wanted the challenge plain and simple. It wasn’t there at the UFC, so he left. Was this the only reason he left? Probably not, money and politics played a part I’m sure, but all he really wanted was the challenge. To fight the best in the world and nothing else. I seem to run away from challenges as of late; it’s the easy road. Not Randy, he looks for it, cherishes it and lives in it win or lose.

Will I change my lifestyle and work ethic because I’m thinking about this pretty hard today? I would like to think so, the chances are slim, but I’m going to try. I know ill never be the man Randy was and is but at least I know that the possibility to be great is out there and the only one to blame for not being great is myself.

We could all be a little more like Randy, I know I could.

I hope to see you in the cage again soon my friend. Thanks for reminding me how I should be fighting.

Not bad for an old man Randy. Not to bad.

Here is a great highlight video of his career.

MIDGET MANIA

This laughing German midget rules. I know I know I have a problem. I have a bad obsession with midgets. They are so much goddamn fun. I have said it before and I will say it again, I find them to be lucky as well as a good cure for depression. Try watching this little fucker with out feeling better. He’s very hypnotic and better than Prozac!

Bonus, this German midget has a pet camel. I really like his camel.

JOE ROGAN IS A GURU AS WELL AS A FEAR FACTOR HOST

Joe Rogan is my hero for many reasons. For one, he has the coolest job in the world as an announcer for the UFC, two, he is also a pretty good comedian and three he loves the weed. I love to the UFC, I wish I was a comedian I to love the weed. We should be best buddies

I just go this video and Joe goes off and is evidently am expert on DMT. Here is an interesting clip as he rants and raves about dreams and DMT and his thoughts on the whole deal.

After listening to him I now understand why he decided to host Fear Factor.

Everybody go do DMT and join Joes Cult. I am.

Ps. He also has his own flotation isolation device in his home

Little Japanese Dude Shoves Down Some Dogs.

This is old news but I’m hung over and need a little pick me up. Quite frankly Noting makes me feel better than watching a little Japanese guy throw down some hotdogs. Except midgets, but I’ve seen a lot of them as of late. They make me feel lucky, so I started gambling again. Think I’m joking about how lucky midgets are? Next time you see one, make a bet. Those Irish know what they’re talking about with that leprechaun shit. Anyway, about that Japanese’s dude…How he discovered he could shove this many hotdogs down his stomach is beyond me. I didn’t even know they have hotdogs in Japan. I really thought you got sushi or some other raw fish when you went to the baseball games. Was he just watching TV, saw the Coney Island hot dog eating contest and said. “I can do that.” Never get in the way of a boy and his dream.

I’m sure there are all sorts of eating contests in Japan. They love weird crap. I heard they have pubic hair pulling contest. I wish I could have found video on that. I also heard they like to kick each other in the balls for fun and then hug it out. Strange little fuckers. They make me happy and I heart them

Thank you little hot dog eating Japanese’s dude. You give me inspiration.

I AM A LAZY SUCKWAD WITH OUT A MAP

Wow, I am a douche bag. I just looked at my calendar and its October already. God Damn it. Instead of being a productive citizen for the past 5 days I have done nothing but drink, drink, drink, pick up girls, drink, sleep on the couch, drink, eat crappy food, do some drugs and drink.

Don’t get me wrong its fun to be a drunken buffoon, and as of late I seem to excel at it. It does make me wonder what happened to the drive I once had. Did it drown in bud light and Jagermiester? Did I exhale it from my lungs as I took a bong hit? Did it leave with a tourist girl and it left with her in her Gucci purse to hang out in Atlanta for a while? If you see it let it know I need it back. I miss it terribly. Tell it, I’m sorry I was mean to it and hurt its feelings. I will be nicer to it, I promise. I will take it to diner, rub its feet send it flowers for no reason at all. This time things will be different

I keep telling myself that this is just a phase, but isn’t a phase supposed to end at some point and not get worse. I know I know, little violins playing for me. I’m just acting like a bitchy spoiled little girl. Believe me, I know people have it worse off and my phase is fun, it’s just not that satisfying. So as I sit here watching Scrubs on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon getting ready to go to a wine show to drink, eat, try to pick up local girls and maybe do some drugs, i’m not blaming anyone but myself. I’m only looking for a map to a different phase. My buddy said we don’t need a map we need GPS satellite system to figure out where were going. Maybe he’s right. If anyone knows where to find one, let me know i’m not motivated enough to look.

AMERICAN HULKSTER!!

The Hulkster is going to host a new version of American Gladiators. This is awesome. What a fantastic mash up of 80’s icons. It could be that I’m just a sucker for the 80’s and the Hulkster, but I’m pretty sure everyone everywhere will agree this totally kicks ass.

You know it’s nice to be at an age when remakes are happening, you remember the original and it doesn’t seem that long ago. It brings you back to a simpler time when there was only Nintendo, Double Dare, The Beastie Boys and once a month, Saturday Night’s Main Event with the Hulkster ripping the shreds out of people

Hearing this news I want to do a remake of myself. Take one weekend and egg some houses. Maybe sneak out of the house and drink beer, really shitty beer like Bush. Do it under a bridge with the local hard rocker chick. Maybe I could play hide and go sneak but with paint guns in a suburban neighborhood. I don’t know, it’s all very exciting.

I do know that I am excited to see Hulk-a-mania run wild over you on a television soon. Kicking ass American Gladiator style. I just hope he doesn’t bring his wife or kids on. They suck.